In His Image

I never thought that it was alright to be angry at God. Somewhere in the messages of my upbringing, church culture, Christian education, etc. I got the impression that being angry at God meant that you didn't fully trust God and to express this was sinful or maybe was too much for God. I understand that lack of trust is a problem. I also understand that God allows for due process such as the grieving process, the growth process and the frustration process. If God loves us entirely, than He even loves us when we are angry; even when we are angry with Him. Living in that place of anger for a long time is not a healthy place to be but allowing yourself to go there, like visiting a little, secluded cabin in the woods, for a time, is not only acceptable, it is acknowledging that we were created in God's own image.

In the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations, we see a picture of God, in all of His glory, frustration, anger and hurt. The Israelites had forgotten all that God had done for them. In short, they had forgotten their history which was the history of God's faithfulness to their people. They had, instead, decided that making their own little gods out of wood and rock and clay better suited their worship style and taste. God, in His amazing love, sends Jeremiah to warn the Israelites of where they are headed, not only personally, but in relationship with God. We see in Jeremiah and Lamentations that God gives the people numerous chances to repent and warns them that if they continue to forget God, God will forget them and allow them to be defeated. This is exactly what happens and in their utter despair, the Israelites become completely inhumane. They begin to starve and so choose to kill their own children for food. Old and young alike are killed in the streets. Priests and prophets are murdered in the Temple. Jeremiah is sickened by what he sees and cries out to God in anguish.

The interesting thing is that many of the sentiments that Jeremiah portrays are the same sentiments that God has in relation to His feelings of betrayal by His own people. God is angry and hurt and sad. If these are His feelings, and we believe that we are made in the image of God, then why would God be unable to handle our same feelings, whether towards Him or towards another situation or person. In a sense, to deny those feelings would be to deny the very imprinted image of God on our physical bodies, our feelings being part of our human creation.

I believe in the God who was saddened when His people walked away. I believe that He is saddened when I do the same in my life. I believe also in the Christ who, by His Spirit, helps me to walk through the processes of anger, doubt, mistrust and fear with complete grace. That is the grace that says, "Jaime, I know you are angry with me but ... 'Come now and let us reason together'(Isaiah 1:18)". The very God who made me and understands me best, the very God in whose image I was made, the very God who created the trees that lift my spirits when they glow with Autumn colors and the evening sky with it's inspiring lights, invites me to reason with Him because He has felt those very same things and can therefore walk me through those feelings. Praise be to the God of all things, the author and perfecter of my life and faith!

Just Jesus

God is doing something in my life right now. I don't know how to express it any more clearly than that, although I realize the general lack of clarity in that statement. I have been spending more time in Bible study, prayer, thought about God, and worship in the last month or so and I feel it. I realized just a minute ago as I was reading a book by Anne Graham Lotz that God has been doing "Jesus". Ok, this sounds weird and doesn't make any sense, but go with me. I just finished reading "Through Gates of Splendor" by Elisabeth Elliot. If you don't know the story, I don't want to take the time to summarize it thoroughly here, but basically she loses her husband along with four other missionary husbands/friends while they are attempting to reach a lost people group. She writes in her epilogue that often people want to see the death of these five men as part of a simple equation: five men killed equals multiple people saved. However, she writes, to do this is to put God into our own box and our own understanding of justice and purpose. Those men gave their lives to God and did so without reservation or bondage. As Elliot says, whether what they did was heroic or foolish, God can do what God wants with their lives and their story.

As I sat in bed reflecting on this, I felt the same thing that I have been feeling so often as I have spent time searching after God. I have felt God "doing" something. As I thought about this, as I really sat with it, I realized something quite profound and really quite telling. I so often associate my times of feeling closeness to God with a result. I feel God in my heart and feel the closeness of Him so deeply that I assume that what God is doing is a work ... an external work. Maybe it is that soon God is going to provide that amazing job or that my ministry will finally take off or that I will write the most amazing worship songs ever. And maybe these things will happen as an extension of God's grace. However, as I sat and listened to myself think and feel these things, I felt shallow. I wanted to go deeper. I asked God about these feelings. I asked God what He was doing. And this was the response I got: "Jesus". In my search for God and in His drawing near to me, God wasn't primarily blessing my finances or my ministry or my impact on my world, God was doing "Jesus". God was blessing me with the thing He knows I need more than anything else, which is the actual felt and awesomely real presence of Jesus Christ. He reminded me that whether or not my ministry flourished or failed, whether or not my family's move to Georgia would mean the beginning of something amazing and whether or not I was able to break into the use of what I perceive to be my gifts, He was doing a work and it was the best work He could possibly do. In giving me Jesus, He was giving me exactly that which I was seeking after. God's blessing that comes from obedience is simply the presence of Jesus Christ. Anything that flows out of that is icing, it's flocking on a bright green Christmas tree. It's meant to enrich, not to mask or detract from the true form. And if it does, it's time to scrape off the icing or hose down the big tree and get back to the substantial thing.
I pray that I will remember that Jesus is not only enough for me but truly all that I want. If God sees fit to allow me to express that relationship in other ways, all glory be to Him who exalts Himself through the wholeness and joy that flows out of relationship with Him!

Content(ment)

This afternoon, I was lying in bed with Mercy as she was nursing to sleep, and I had a quick parallel vision which I have had often when I am in such a state. The vision is one of a mother lioness or mother bear lying on her side with her head back, nursing her little cubs. I have seen the scene many a time in nature films and, most recently, in the Disney film "Earth". Each time I see such a scene, the word that pops into my head is "content". It seems that as the mother lies there nursing her little ones, she is completely content and almost aloof, in a way. This is the same feeling I get when I am nursing Mercy to sleep. Being content is different than being happy. "Happy" denotes something I can't totally get my mind around; something pink and cushy, like a big bazooka blown bubble. Contentment is much more subtle and, to my mind, much more satisfying. As I rested and thought about the word "content", I suddenly realized that the word "content" (with the emphasis on the first syllable) was spelled the exact same way as "content" (with the emphasis on the last syllable). Hmmm, odd coincidence but when you look at the words, it kind of makes sense. The word content (with the emphasis on the second syllable) can mean "desiring no more than what one has; satisfied". The word content (emphasis on the first syllable) can mean "something contained" as well as "the substantive or meaningful part". So, both words have to do with both space (being satisfied or full and what something holds in a certain space) as well as the idea of having enough and having that "enough" be meaningful. I often find that I am most content when the contents of my life are tied to things from which I derive meaningful and substantive experiences, lessons and memories. Nothing to me is more meaningful in my life than the Word of God right now. I have been asking God to feed me off of His Word and to let His Word be nourishment to me. I want the contents of His Word to make me content. I want the contents of the Bible to be enough for me so that I desire no more than what it gives me. And, I want the content of my life, my life as God has given it to me and as I have walked it out, to be a source of contentment to myself, my family and my friends. Contentment doesn't mean finding "happiness" in something ethereal. Rather, it means that God has given me the desires of my heart and I have been sated on the blessing of the relationship I have with Him.

Ritual from Abandonment, Justice from Relationship

I am currently in a Bible study at a local church in which we are studying the major and minor prophets. We have started with Isaiah and though I had a pretty good class on Isaiah at Fuller, I always find it absolutely rewarding to go back through and take the time to look at each book of the Bible with fresh eyes. I could absolutely become a Bible study junkie, which is funny because I used to loathe the idea of spending time in a Bible study, whether alone or with a group. I thought it was shallow and pointless (mostly because I did them alone, which is pretty much a sure way to make sure I don't follow through).

Anyways, we are looking at the themes of Isaiah and one of the recurring themes is the progression from Turning from God to Turning to Ritual to Turning from Justice. One of the reflection questions asked, "Do you see yourself anywhere in this picture? Is there a sin God is rebuking you for that you are ignoring?". Hmmmm ... good question.

I don't feel like there is a particular sin for which I am being rebuked, but if the progression goes from forsaking God to pursuing ritual to ignoring justice, then shouldn't the reciprocal be true? If I look at my life and see that I have a tendency to ignore justice, does that mean that I have fallen into a place of religious ritual in my life and have therefore turned away from God through sin? It seems to make sense. While I always care for the general well-being of humanity (whatever that means), I don't seem to have heart-broken, sleepless nights full of prayer-waking when I'm just going through the motions with God. As I read through the first 27 chapters of Isaiah, I get the idea that "sin" has to be some huge and obvious transgression. You know, like "whoring myself before idols" and all that other back-in-the-day awful stuff. The truth is, though, that I do "whore" myself before lots of "idols". Ouch! That really hurts to say, but its true. I have so often sold my time with God out to Facebook or my gmail account. I spend more time concerned about the money we make and how we will ever be able to afford a house than I do about the widows in my community and how I can be used to alleviate some of their loneliness and need. And yet, in God's grace, when He convicts me and I truly repent, I am cleansed and He calls me to true living, to living that is full of the need for justice. When this happens, my thoughts go from "Hmmm, how should I cut my hair next week?" to "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Protect the little ones who are being neglected and abused. Be a husband to the widows who feel alone and unprotected. Show me how to be an agent for your love and justice to this absolutely hurting world". So, though my sin is not visibly evil and alarming, it is alarming to God because I allow it to lead me into a place of religious ritual and abandonment of God.

I want justice and the love for justice to be one of the marks of my life. Seeking justice has almost become trendy these days, which is good because it gets the word of the immense need into the mainstream. And yet, how quickly can seeking justice become another way to get busy ignoring the constant need for communion with God through God's Word, God's community and prayer and instead turn to the ritual of being a good volunteer or worker. Then the cycle starts all over again and we end up seeking self before we seek true Justice.

Praise God for his grace to convict, hear our confession, cleanse us and call us to go like Isaiah who said "Here I am, Lord! Send me!".

Modern Martyrdom

One thing that I like to do these days in to take some time to read when Mercy goes down for her afternoon nap. It is quite a precious time as I lie down next to her and listen to the rhythm of her breathing and the warmth of her little body as I drift into a new book. As Joseph and I have been struggling through decisions that we believe will shape our life vision and goals, I have been drawn to different books about faith and living in faith. I have a very old and worn copy of Fox's Book of Martyrs, which I believe either belonged to my grandfather or my great uncle, both who were men of faith and great learning. I have many times looked at the book and thought, "I really need to read that someday". As well, when I worked at the bookstore at Fuller, I would see different copies of the book and be drawn to pick them up and flip through them. I have always been curious about the early church saints and martyrs and this past week I decided to spend the time I have while Mercy naps reading the heavy, worn book in the hopes of bolstering my own faith.

I don't think I quite understood what I was getting into as I read the introduction about John Foxe, who was himself persecuted for writing his book chronicling the story of Christian martyrs from Stephen to his own contemporary time. As I have continued to read, I have found myself wrapping my arms around Mercy in a protective fashion in response to stories of men, women and children being tortured, starved, raped, falsely accused and murdered for simply stating that they believed in Christ and, often, refusing to give homage to other gods. Reading these accounts makes me ask two questions: 1) What kind of faith do I have when I feel like a "martyr" because of very shallow sacrifices I have made for God (and sometimes for my own sense of pride)? 2) How can a loving God allow His people to be abused in so many horrific ways when all they wanted to do was love and serve Him?

Now, I am an imaginative person and being thus, when I read these accounts, my mind wanders to the mental picture of the atrocity itself and I think, "what must that have felt like? Could I endure such a thing? Would I be able to stand strong in the face of such pain and oppression?". So many of the martyrs are said to have faced their deaths with such amazing fortitude and bravery. That is not something I think I could do. I think of stories I hear of modern-day martyrs and how far away I am from such sacrifice in my own life. In the moment that these people are being persecuted, does God shine on them so brilliantly that He takes away their physical pain? Does He show Himself merciful to those that love Him in a practical and physical way?

I have no pretty bow to wrap up this post. I am struggling with this just as I struggle with the inhumanity I read about that is present in our world today. I want to be willing to sacrifice all for my God, just as I want to be willing to come to the aid of those who are oppressed in this world, whether they know Christ or not. I pray that God would lead me to be bold, courageous and uniquely positioned to help the oppressed and forlorn.

I would love feedback as I am struggling to understand and come to grips with the reign of evil in the world when I know that there is a loving God who truly cares for every person He has created.

Captive Thoughts

It has been quite awhile since I've posted a blog. There has been so much going on for our family and me personally but nothing that I have really desired to dig into through writing.

However, as I was laying in bed this evening, thinking through some big decisions we have recently been making, I had a bit of a moment where a number of thoughts connected and came together with a passage of Scripture like two sides of a jacket zipper being connected together into one tight track by a fervent tug of a pulley. I was thinking through how I felt about two sides of a particular decision. Often when I think on how I feel about something, I end up getting a mental picture. As I thought through one side of the decision, I pictured myself on a thin metal railing above a deep gorge. I was alone on the railing trying to slide myself gingerly across the sharp metal rail, all the while realizing how alone I was and what a dangerous situation I was finding myself in. As I thought about the second outcome of this particular decision, I pictured the Kudzu that grows all over Atlanta in the Spring and Summer. Kudzu looks like a combination of ivy and moss in that it has large leaves and grows over absolutely everything in a kind of green blanket. It is absolutely beautiful and also totally engrossing. The feeling I was resonating with was that of being completely surrounded and enveloped. As I let these two images sink in a bit more, I realized that there are other images that I have associated with feelings all of my life without being fully aware that they have been such a part of my unconscious and, now, conscious life. As well, there have been memories and pictures from my childhood that have often flashed so quickly across the screen of my mind that I don't even realize they are there. In the last few years, I have been able to catch some of these memories, feelings and pictures either by the grace of God or simply because of years of repetition. When I am able to "catch" them, it's as if I am pulling them out of the clouds of my mind and investigating them, really looking at them, for the first time. I am able to analyze the feelings, emotions and weight of them. Sometimes, when I'm able to do this, I have real breakthroughs. Sometimes they merit nothing more than a smile or giggle attached to a precious time from my earlier life.

As I was thinking about this tonight, I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 10:5 which says,
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ".

Now, I know this is proof-texting quite a bit, but as I thought of that verse, a light went on for me on a personal level. It seems that as I have grown in my relationship with Christ, there have been more of those moments when I have been able to actually capture a thought that has been with me for years but had never become a part of my conscious mind. In light of this verse, it seems that as I have grown in truth and prayed against the "arguments and pretensions that (set themselves) up against the knowledge of God" in my life, God has allowed me to take my thoughts captive and deal with them, which has allowed me to be free and, therefore, more obedient to Christ. All I can say in response to that discovery is Praise be to God who rules and reigns in our hearts and minds to set us free from our own mental jails and barriers. What an amazing God to truly indwell us to the point that He reveals our own selves to us more fully so that we can live more freely in His truth. What a loving God I serve!

Mercy's 1st Birthday

Well, in retrospect, I should have been blogging like mad over the last four months because of all of the things that have happened; Praises to God for a clean bill of health for my father-in-law after a cancer scare that led us to Oregon for about six weeks, a move to a new apartment and the ever-present search for work in Atlanta. However, since I just summarized the last quarter of a year in a sentence, I will move on to the present joy in my life: Mercy turned one! I am excited to share pictures and video of her first birthday. Here is a summary in photos of our trip to the zoo and her little party with our Bell/Eggleston family here in Atlanta. Enjoy!

Sunshine Days

Yesterday was quite possibly the first day we have had since we have been here that I have felt most completely myself. I imagine that it was due, in large part, to the weather. We finally had a lapse in the winter front that brought sunshine and temperatures in the high 50s/low 60s. It was brilliant. Joseph had a meeting with a friend with whom he played back in the late 90s who also happens to be a bass player. He was very encouraging about the possibility of making a living here playing music. We have found that the music scene here, especially the Christian one, is very different from Los Angeles. It seems that there are many church players who do quite well for themselves. As well, there is a thriving teaching scene. Currently, Joseph has between 3-6 students a week but he also often subs for other teachers since he is able to teach both bass and guitar. He found out yesterday that there is a local Catholic school that is looking for someone to head up their music education program so I think Joseph is going to throw his name in the hat for that job. His friend Pat is in a small group with the school's principal who has told Pat about the job. Hopefully, that will be a good lead.
I, unfortunately, did not hear back from Interactive College where I applied to teach ESL. I was pretty ego bruised for about a week and then when the snow came, forcing me to stay inside last weekend, I was so homesick that I started crying over everything from missing friends and family to missing my favorite burrito place in Pasadena. I got over it after a good conversation with Natalie and Mom as well as some encouragement from Joseph. As well, I figure that if a job doesn't happen it is more about God's protection than it is about a lost opportunity. For the time being, I have decided to continue to look for jobs but, instead, focus on other things that I want to be doing. Thus, I am getting to bed early (about 9 pm) and getting up in the mornings sometime between 5 am and 7 am and writing. There isn't really any huge goal in the writing other than pleasure. It is the one thing in life that gives me huge personal satisfaction with a sense of catharsis and rehabilitation. I love it! I have been writing journals, children's stories, memories, blogs; really, I have been writing anything and everything. Joseph and I have gotten into a pretty good rhythm whereby he stays up late and practices bass while I go to bed with Mercy. In the morning, he stays in bed with Mercy while I get up and write. The only flaw in the system is that he has a tendency to lost track of time and not come to bed until anywhere from 2 am - 6 am. I am really glad that he loves to practice so much and I pray that it pays off in some fun and well-paying gigs. It's just amazing that God has put us in a place right now where we are able to pursue some of the things we love while being in a somewhat stressful financial situation and personal transition. I felt absolutely led to be here and I thought that it was because of Passion City Church but the longer we are here, the more I get the sense that it was more about us as individuals and as a family. I think God allowed us to make the choice to move so that we could get out of our rut and into something new. I am praying that the job search becomes highly fruitful soon or our new adventure will be cut short when we have to move in with our parents. We aren't there yet, though, so we'll just keep plugging away. If anyone keeps up with us in prayer, we are still asking God for financial provisions through jobs and it would be great if those jobs could connect with our passions.
We had a really nice day on Thursday in downtown Atlanta. We headed out to a place called little five points which is the sort of hipster side of downtown. It also happens to be the homeless side of downtown but it was a funky little area with some weird little independent stores. The only mainstream store there was American Apparel. How do they do that? They always seem to be the only large retail chain amongst little mom and pop shops, like in Los Feliz. We didn't spend any time in little five points; we just drove around. The drive there took us through a really posh neighborhood with sprawling mansions and greenways. After driving around for about an hour or so, we stopped by the Atlanta Bass Gallery, which is a really cool bass store opened by a man who had settlement money from a crazy lawsuit. Apparently, he had gone sky diving and neither his primary nor his secondary parachute opened and he landed on a plum tree breaking most of the bones in his body. He sued the sky diving company, won lots of good money and opened up a Bass store in Atlanta. It was a great store and Joseph was trying not to drool. We have to go back there after the jobs come so that he can get something. After he got his Bass fix, we stopped off at Octane, which is an amazing coffee house in downtown. It has really good coffee which is roasted by Counter Culture, I believe, and it was so nice to be amongst a good mix of people. Where we are currently living seems to all white, all the time. Uck! At Octane there were people of every color and I felt like I could breath again. Living out in the country is really beautiful but I got an energy from being downtown that totally revives my spirit. After spending about an hour at Octane, we headed over to Taqueria del Sol and got some amazing brisket and vegetarian tacos. The place was packed out! Mercy's new favorite food is avocado so we fed her pieces from our guacamole. We headed back home after a full and wonderful day in downtown Atlanta. I hope that we can find a place to live that is somewhat close to downtown or, at least, a place with a bit more diversity.
On the Mercy front, life is absolutely sensational. She now has her bottom two teeth with another coming in from the front. We thought the upper tooth that is coming in was her front tooth but, oddly enough, it is her I tooth. As it comes in she is starting to look like a baby vampire. The I tooth on the other side is starting to break through too. It is hilarious! She is such a doll and is talking up a storm. Here words include Dada, Mama, Duck and Book. It also sounded like she told Dianne (the lady with whom we live) "thank you" last night. She usually wakes up in the morning having conversations with herself and she laughs a lot. She is getting altogether too big for my liking but I am enjoying every phase of her growth. Her hair is still more full in the front than in the back, giving her a nice little mohawk that stands straight up on these dry winter days. We can't believe that she is already eight months old! One year will be here before we know it.
As usual, thank you to all of our family and friends for your calls and prayers. We miss everyone so much and if everyone needs a break from the West, come visit us here in Hotlanta. We would love to see you!

Any Day Now

Oh, the job search! Or maybe I should say, "woe" the job search. In many ways, we dug right in and got our professional lives moving pretty quickly. Joseph has five bass students on Saturdays and has been working somewhat regularly with David Bell and his company Orchestrate. As well, we were introduced to some wonderful folks at Land of 1000 Hills coffee within our first month here and were offered a job only two days later. While, for a while, that was looking like it was going to be a great fit, we decided to say no on Wednesday after some negotiations about compensation. The company has an amazing vision and they are going to be opening up their third store in Cumming hopefully by the 6th of March. We pitched the idea of Joseph and I managing the store together and we were trying to negotiate for family benefit coverage and/or some sort of commission based on the profit we could turn for the store. Whomever decides to take on the job of management will be involved in everything from design, marketing and layout to hiring, scheduling, working on the bar, doing catering events and anything else involved in making a cafe successful. I believe that Joseph and I would have brought a tremendous amount of experience into the job and really could have made it successful. While they were excited to have us on board, we believe that the expectation and the compensation were not equally yolked. They were absolutely up front from the beginning about the compensation piece, which was wonderful, and we were absolutely up front about what we hoped for beyond what they were offering. All in all, it was a good negotiation process and we are happy with our decision to say no with our blessing on their new store and the company as a whole. We are both praying that they find someone who will love the job, turn a great profit for them and be a team player so they can go on to open many more stores!
So, after saying no to Land of 1000 Hills, I began to look back towards teaching positions. Yesterday I went out with Mercy and took my resume and application to a few local Christian schools in the hopes of finding some substitute work that could possibly turn into part or full-time teaching. While I was busying myself with filling out applications and updating my resume, I also took a look at Craigslist and saw that there is a local technical college hiring for an ESL position. I quickly doctored up my resume and sent it off in an email explaining that I've never taught ESL but have a degree in English and classroom experience teaching Spanish. I really didn't expect to hear back from them but at 3 pm yesterday, I received a call from the assistant to the director asking if I could come in Monday morning for an interview. Yippee! It looks like they are hiring both full and part-time as well as nights and weekends. It also looks as though they provide benefits, which would thin out a heavy bulge in our family's budget. I am a little nervous about the interview but I also realize that every opportunity we have is solely because of God's provision in our lives. If this is the position He has reserved for me, He will help me to interview well. My prayer has been that God would be our advocate and would give us favor. I am on my knees every day, literally, asking God to show me how to be a better wife and mother, how to please Him more and to walk in His will and asking that He would direct our paths. This move has been very hard and has definitely put Joseph and I into a position of growth as a couple. As well, the blessing that we have felt and the support both here and back at home have been overwhelming. I know we haven't moved to a far off place where we are risking our lives for Jesus but it really feels like the step of faith we took to come here has put us in a position to risk our sanity and be stretched for Jesus.
Thank you to all who are reading this for your prayers. We feel lifted up and ask that you would continue to remember us in prayer when you remember us in thought.

Here Comes the Sun

Today was a very good day! Not all that much happened but I attribute much of the positivity to a phone call that I made last night accepting a job offer that is set to begin on Monday, February 1st. Before Joseph and I moved out here, I was in touch with a place called Land of 1000 Hills Coffee. I first touched base with them back in September because of a Craigslist posting they had published looking for a barista for one of their (at the time) two stores. I contacted them to learn more about them and it turned out that they are a company started by an Anglican priest who wanted to "do good" for the people of Rwanda. He found out that their coffee industry had been decimated by the genocide and started to work towards recovery of that particular economy. In starting Land of 1000 Hills Coffee, he has been able to impact the Rwandan community by investing in local coffee growers and establishing above fair-trade pay for the locally grown coffee. He, in-turn, sells that coffee here in the States in two stores in Roswell and Atlanta. Land of 1000 Hills has poured a large amount of money into the local economy and continues to grow here in the States.
So, how did Joseph and I continue on our journey to be working for LOTH? It happened that our dear friend, Cheryl Bell, who had, along with her husband, been encouraging us to come out for Passion City Church, had a contact at LOTH named Amy. Amy and I were able to meet at Passion 2010 after much email conversation during the Fall. She introduced us to Karen who does all of the hiring for LOTH and passed along my resume as well. I met with Karen last week for a job interview and pitched the idea of Joseph and I co-managing their newest store, which just happens to be in the same town where we are currently living. The Cumming store is set to open March 8th and we have been offered the position as managers.
Aside from the LOTH ministry itself, there are some very cool things about our opportunity to manage the Cumming store. For one, we will be able to split the position in a way that allows one of us to always be with Mercy. As well, the store is inside of a ministry called "The Warehouse" that exists to equip young people for ministry in music, audio/visual and other creative facets of leadership. The Warehouse is located in a development called "Family Festival" which hosts soccer fields, baseball fields, batting cages, a playground, a karate studio, burger joint, swim club and lots more. It will be the perfect place to hang out with Mercy when we are not working. As well, it is right up the street from the newest YMCA which is a wonderful facility.
We really feel God's hand in this and while the pay is not the highlight of the job, the hours free us up to pursue ministry and allow Joseph to continue to teach bass (he currently has five students). Passion City Church is now in full-swing and we hope to be able to really plug in as the congregation firms up and we eventually find a permanent building. We plan to continue to live with Dianne while we work out what life will look like in the coming months and hope to be able to afford a small house or condo within the next year or two.
Mercy is growing exponentially, it seems, and she is starting to look like her mama more and more each day (Yay! Finally). I often look at her at night after she falls asleep and just study her face, trying to lock away in my memory exactly how her sweet, rosy cheeks look as she lays next to me. She is such a gem and a most definite gift from God. We think she will be walking very soon as she is super strong and very active. Of course, I wouldn't mind if she waits awhile because she is already hard to keep up with.
The transition here to Atlanta has been good; it's been hard too. I don't recommend moving to a new place without jobs or a place to live but it seems to be how we roll and God has rolled with us. At times, I have felt totally debilitated but I'm getting my sea legs finally. I really look forward to starting work on Monday (more than I thought I would) and I also look forward to working with Joseph. This will either solidify our dreams of opening something of our own someday or give us a good wake-up call.
I can't say enough how much I have loved talking to friends back home and feeling so supported in this move. I really miss home but this is a great place to be. I actually met a woman today at Mercy's doctor's office who is from Pasadena and went to the same elementary school (Linda Vista), high school (La Canada) and college (UCLA) that I went to. When I asked her about living here and how she found it she replied "great place to raise a family, great place to afford a home, good friends, good food, good life!". That is a recommendation that I can live with!

Days Like These

This coming Tuesday will officially mark the one month anniversary of our move to Atlanta. While it's amazing that we have only been here one month, it feels like we've been here much longer. That can sound either very positive or quite gloomy. It's a mix of both. We have been so blessed by Dianne who has opened up her home to Joseph, Mercy and I. She lost her husband a year ago February to lung cancer and has enjoyed the company of having our little family around. We have enjoyed her wonderful sense of humor, dry whit and hospitality. She really loves Mercy and, in turn, Mercy doles out miles of smiles to her every time she sees Dianne.
This week has been chock-full of appointments, interviews, business proposals and meetings. Monday morning we went to Atlanta Bread Company for a career group which was a blessing to Joseph as he looks to make contacts here. After, we were able to have some very special Rwandan coffee at Land of 1000 Hills (LOTH) in Roswell. We have been talking to LOTH about co-managing their new Cumming store and we are prayerfully considering it. The ministry pours so much money into Rwanda and the reconciliation efforts there. To work for them would be a privilege. As well, we are looking at substitute teaching jobs, full and part-time teaching jobs and lots of other opportunities. Our dear friend, David Bell, has started a management/event company, Orchestrate, and we met with him this week to see how we could plug-in there. I will hopefully be doing some writing projects with them to help them communicate their vision and services to the community.
The weather here has been so beautiful these last couple of days. Cumming is an absolutely beautiful county with lots of pine trees, farms, rolling hills, quaint (and large) homes and wonderful people. It is starting to grow on me as we look around at where we would like to end up. Georgia State University is downtown Atlanta as is Passion City Church (for now), so that is probably where we will end up looking. It will be hard to leave Cumming. Even now, as I look out the window into Dianne's expansive back yard, I see the silhouettes of trees, dense and sparse, as well as a sky that looks like an oil painting of descending colors of purple. It is a wonder and I praise God to be able to see it. It inspires me!
Mercy is starting to pop out a second tooth right next to her first and is working on saying "Dada". She is also getting very vocal about what she wants and what she doesn't. Joseph is a very hands-on father and I am so thankful to have him as a co-parent.
Passion City Church begins regular Sunday services this week and we are excited to show up and see what happens. I am praying that God will open up a position there for Joseph. That is why we came but we have given this whole thing up to God, so if there is something else here for us, so be it.
All in all, I am so glad that we are here and am starting to feel the clouds break over some blues that I initially had. I am so ready to see what God is going to do and I believe that this is going to be a great place to call home.

Ready

I think I am ready. It is amazing to me (I use that word way too much) that it has been six years since I graduated from UCLA and four since I graduated from Fuller. Where has the time gone? Well, part of it went to falling in love with and marrying Joseph, part of it went to the joy of newlywed life and part of it went to getting pregnant and having an exceptionally wonderful little Mercy. Now that I'm staring thirty in the face, I'm really thinking about some advice that my dad gave us before we left for Georgia: "Develop a five-year plan". Wow, a five-year plan? I don't even really have a one-month plan other than finding a place to work, a place to live and praising God for another day. But my dad is right! When I think about where I want to be in five years or in ten years, it sort of makes my mind spin. Mercy will eventually be older and in school and if we do have another child, that one will follow suit. Which means that at some point, I will have an empty house from 8 am to 3 pm every day. Wow! To have time to myself ... whatever will I do? So, I've been asking myself what it is that I really want to do and the thing that keeps coming up over and over again is how much I enjoyed my time at UCLA reading, writing and studying English Literature. So, here is the five year plan that seems to be forming. I am going to apply to Georgia State University's PhD program in Creative Writing. It is one of only eight in the country, including Vanderbilt in Nashville which I had originally considered when we thought we would be moving there. The five- year goal is to be finished with coursework and working on my thesis and the ten-year goal is to be completely finished with my PhD and working as a professor either at the junior college or university level. It's very scary to declare this on my blog in such a public way because I am notorious for talking and not doing. However, I've gotten in touch with the director of the program and plan on going out to GSU next week to check out the campus and find out more about the program, application process, etc. It's scary because of the time, money and effort it will take to finish a program like this but I feel like I owe it to my husband whom I'm always telling to get out there and follow his dreams, my daughter for whom I want to set an example and myself. I have wanted to teach for a very long time at the college level and if I can systematically take the steps to do that over the next ten-year period, I will head into my forties with expectation and enthusiasm for my professional life. Please pray for stamina in the application process and wisdom as to whether or not this is a good long-term goal.

Passion 2010

I thought that I had already posted the giving amounts of Passion 2010 but upon second glance, I see that I did not. So, below are the total amounts of monies given to the numerous NGO's in the "Do Something Now" center at Passion 2010. To me, these numbers are jaw-dropping and so encouraging. Please comment on what seeing these numbers does to you ... I would love to know! The following is from Louie Giglio

The heartbeat of the Passion Movement is not simply abut filling arenas, but a generation mobilized to carry the message of God’s fame to the unreached, oppressed and forgotten wherever they are on the planet.

To that end, one of the five statements of the 268 Declaration is:

Willingness To Shine The Gospel To All People—
Because God is seeking worshipers of all peoples, I will spread His fame among the nations, fully participating in His global purposes while engaging poverty and injustice in Jesus’ name.
[God, kindle in me the desire to go anywhere, at anytime, at any cost, to do anything to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ.]

While the worship at Passion is vital, it is not an end in itself. Rather, our songs and anthems are fuel for our journey to the nations. Thus, Do Something Now is front and center in all we do, a major component of every gathering.

At Passion 2010 we introduced 12 partner organizations with causes totaling $500,000. Our goal was not pledges for the future, but giving on site together in four days. In the end (and this number will continue to grow), the total passed on to our 12 partners includes:

Building an education center for the Dalit people of India through Operation Mobilization. Goal–$75,000. Given–$92,753.91.

Small business loans for women in Haiti through Hope International. Goal–200 x $200 loans. Given–$64,412.34 for 322 loans.

Bible translation for Shatika and Rom People of SE Asia with OneVerse. Goal–translate 4000 verses at a cost of $100,000. Given–3134 verses/$78.359.

Sponsor 100 seminary students in the Middle East with E3 Partners. Goal–$30,000. Given–$45,318/151 students.

Build 10 wells in Guatemala with Living Water. Goal–$50,000. Given–$113.865/22 wells built.

Provide 100 cleft palate surgeries for children in Afghanistan with Cure International. Goal–$55,000. Given–$68,160.54/111 children get surgeries.

Package and send Bibles to unreached people in Asia through Bibles Unbound. Goal–3000 Bibles packaged and $3000 to cover cost. Given/Done–3000 Bibles packaged/$9,530.56 given to send more.

Build a border outpost in Nepal to intercept sex trafficking victims through Not For Sale. Goal–$25,000. Given–$86,516.72 for 3+ border outposts.

Support a Child Survival project in Indonesia through Compassion International. Goal–100 students x $20 a month for one year = $24,000. Given–205 students x $20 a month for one year = $50,170. (The 12 month commitment represents pledges for this cause).

Package meals through our partner Feed My Starving Children. Goal–package 100,000 meals atPassion 2010 and give $17,500 to cover costs. Given/Done–108,432 meals packaged and $17,533.32 given.

Sponsor children affected by HIV/AIDS in Mozambique with World Vision. Goal–200 students x $35 monthly/package 1000 Caregiver kits. Given–174 students x $35 monthly/1000 caregiver kits assembled.

Drink coffee and fund projects in Ethiopia through our partner Gobeana Coffee. Given–$24,548.

Total given at Passion 2010 = $724,480.42.

IN ADDITION, a family at Passion 2010 matched the total as of Tuesday morning with a gift of $668.597.00.

For a Passion 2010

As well, 14,820 towels and 72,600 pairs of socks were given to assist the homeless shelters of Atlanta.

Obviously, it’s not all about the money. But we know the verse, “where your money is your heart is also,” applies here, and believe many lives have been captured by His global purposes in these days.

Thanks to everyone who joined this amazing cause. Let’s continue to give everything until His grace, hope ad healing are extended to all.

Humbled,
LG

Praise God!

Today was my 29th birthday (I say "was" because it's 11:30 pm and my birthday privileges are almost over). I talked to my sister on the phone yesterday and she asked me how I felt about being one year away from thirty. I thought about it and answered as candidly as possible; it doesn't scare me ... as a matter of fact, I think I'm excited. My early twenties were such a hodge podge of bad decisions, immaturity and darkness and my later twenties were a time of complete redemption both spiritually and personally. I feel like with the tumult of the last decade, the next one is sure to be one of spiritual, personal, professional and relational bloom. At least that's what I'm asking God for.
So, for those who want to know how I spent my 29th birthday, I'll first ask a question. What is one of the things I like to do most in life? It's something that brings me great pleasure and from which I often ask God for deliverance. I love to eat! So, that's how I spent my day ... I ate my way through it. The morning started with a trip to Chick-fil-A around 11 am for a chicken biscuit and some coffee. If you don't know what Chick-fil-A is, please look it up and drive to one, no matter how far from you it may be. After breakfast, Joseph, Mercy and I went for a drive around Fulton and Forsyth counties. It was an absolutely beautiful day with the partially melted snow still sparkling in bright patches on the ground and the sun shining over the backs of grassy fields and horses manes. Our new home is a truly beautiful place. After taking care of a couple of errands, we drove to Roswell, our new favorite town and made a stop at Krispy Kremes. By this time it was around 2 pm and Mercy was asleep in the car, so we had to make it a drive through event. I have never had a fresh Krispy Kreme right off the belt (even though they had one at the student union at UCLA) and let me tell you, it is a heavenly experience not to be missed. After our doughnut snack we drove around some more to let Mercy get a bit more rest. Around 3pm we decided it was time for lunch and found a super tiny, hole-in-the-wall Greek/Mediterranean place called Baba's. So good! After some Gyro wraps and Greek potatoes (sweet tea to boot) we got back in the car and headed home.
Oddly enough, there are two movies I've been dying to see so we popped one in when we got home. Not to be too theme oriented here but the movies were Food Inc and Julie and Julia. Just writing this, I'm thinking that I need an intervention. I still haven't finished Food Inc but what I did see was crazy convicting. More to come on that later.
To finish off a great day, we spent the evening with the extended Bell family. Dinner was great: Chicken Tortellini with fresh spinach, grilled tomatoes, broccoli and rolls (sweet tea to boot, again) and then ice cream with brownie bites and chocolate sauce. To finish the evening, a few rounds of Wii and some decaf coffee. The night spent laughing with friends was just what a needed after a few days of solitude. Praise be to Jesus!
So, to all of my friends at home who called, Facebooked, texted and emailed Birthday wishes, thank you for remembering me. It means a lot!
Here's to the last year of my twenties. I'm ready to stare my thirties in the face but I'll take the year to practice my game face.

Old Song, New Meaning

It's too cold today to go to church. The wind is blowing about 20 mph and with the wind chill factor, it feels like six degrees outside. On top of that, the roads are still pretty icy and we don't want to risk driving with the baby. We haven't been out, except for a brief drive, for a couple of days which is making me very homesick. Not getting out to church is also making me really miss our church community at home, Evergreen Baptist Los Angeles. Along with this homesickness comes a small case of the blues. I got in the shower this morning trying to force myself to shake them, but to no avail. Finally, I gave up trying to pep talk myself and just started to repeat "Lord, help me. Lord, help me". This eventually led me to my knees in the shower with the water flowing over my head (and occasionally, up my nose). All I could say was "Jesus, I need you". As I said this and some other words of surrender, a song came back to me that I wrote with a childhood friend when I was eight years old. We used to love to dance and make up songs and one day, we decided that we wanted to write a worship song. As I knelt in the shower repeating "Jesus, I need you", these lyrics came back to me like a bolt of blue. They are trite and silly to an adult but as a child, they meant the world to me.

Jesus, we need you/ we really, really need you
The things you make/ the oceans and the lakes
Jesus, you made the sharks and the ark
You gave us wood to build a house/and then we found a mouse
Great are your works oh Lord
Yeah, Yeah
Great are you works oh Lord
We need you
Great are your works oh Lord
All the time
Great are your works oh Lord
Save us from sin

The rhyming is awful as is most of the song but the things I pull out as a 29 year old are very deep: Jesus, we need you, you made all things, your works are great, you are always great, you save us from our sin! I think this little song will be my mantra as I continually ask God for help during this transition. It's no "Blessed Be Your Name" but I know that God accepts it and is pleased by it nonetheless.

Not in Kansas anymore?

I've never lived in Kansas. California is Kansas for me and I'm most definitely not there anymore. Now I'm in Georgia. That state made famous by Mr. Ray Charles crooning over his long lost home with passion and grit. That's how I feel about my home today. I guess "California Dreamin'" is my theme song today. I really like our new "home". I also have a nostalgic feeling after only two weeks away. Part of it I attribute to the snow and ice outside which have kept us in for two days now. Another, larger, part I contribute to the news I received from my former boss at Coffee by the Books that Fuller's dean of students, Ruth Vuong, passed away a week ago today unexpectedly. I only knew Ruth from the time I spent on student government as well as from the Coffee Shop. She always ordered Paris tea and a Pecan Stick. It's really silly that I remember her order but that's how you get to know people behind the counter of a coffee bar. Ruth also really liked Mercy and always had a huge smile when she saw her. She had such a peaceful presence whether walking across campus, doing the benediction at chapel or speaking to students one-on-one. I would really like to be back in Pasadena, mourning with the rest of campus and remembering her at her memorial service. My best friend, Natalie, reminded me that I can be with them remembering her in spirit and to not lose sight of why we moved. She told me that she knows that I know that we made the right decision. I know she's right. It's just hard at times like these.
We have been here now for two weeks and they have been two good weeks. We were able to be part of Passion 2010. I had the joy of spending my time with a very lovely eleven-year-old girl whom Mercy just adores. I also got to meet and spend time with Matt Redman's little girl who has the name I originally thought we would name Mercy, which is Maisy. Joseph worked loading in and out furniture for the event and also got to help out running Pro to have slides up for the worship sessions. The time was a real blessing to both of us. It's hard now, though, after being so busy to be so not. I'm praying every day about what my next step should be vocationally. There is a coffee company here called Land of 1000 Hills which I would love to be connected with and for whom I would love to work. I also would love to go back and get my Masters in English so that I can teach at the Junior College level. I also want to spend as much time with Mercy as I possibly can but I want her to grow up with a mom who has a career and a life separate from her. I always felt so proud being able to tell people that my mom was an artist and at the same time, it really didn't matter what she "did" because she was (still is) such an amazing mom. On the other hand, I don't want to be away from Mercy eight hours a day. It would be so great to start and finish my Masters so that when she goes to school, I could go back to work. Of course, by then we'll probably be trying to have a second child. The planner in me wants to have everything figured out and the other part wants to just be still and let God figure it out. Only time will tell.
Sweet little Mercy has had many milestones since we left. She is now eating cereal and had her first tastes of both apples and bananas this week. She is also now saying "mama", although I'm not quite sure if she knows what she's saying. She mostly uses it when she wants something. I'm ok with that. She's very close to saying "dada" and is super close to crawling. As well, she's getting her first tooth. It's right on the surface and we can feel it when we put our finger on her gums. She is such a joy and was a total gerber baby during Passion. I got a number of breaks because of all the people who wanted to hold her. As well, I met lots of people I probably wouldn't have without her. I believe that God has an amazing purpose for her life. I also believe that our move here is part of that. Now if we can just convince our families that they should move here as well.
We have a good surrogate family in our friends, the Bells, as well as their families. We are living with Cheryl Bell's mom, Dianne, and she is absolutely wonderful. She has a wonderful sense of humor and we feel so comfortable in her home. Her husband passed away a year ago this February and so I think the arrangement has worked out well for all of us. She may be ready to kick us out soon but I think we're still in good because she has told us that we have to promise to visit when we do move. We are excited to be able to start house hunting soon. We never could've afforded anything back home but it looks like we'll be able to buy a home here. There are some really lovely homes starting at $150,000 and with the tax credit, it may be a great time to buy. We originally thought we wanted to be closer to the city but Cumming is really growing on me. As we drive around, we see horses in fields, old barns and lots of trees. It's also close to lots of restaurants and shopping (about 15 miles) so we don't feel like we are super isolated.
We would really covet the prayers of our friends and family as we continue to look for sustainable work which provides both income and insurance as well as a permanent place to live. Passion City Church could use your prayers for the provision of a church building. God has been so good to us and we are so excited to see what He will do in 2010! As much as I miss California, I'm thankful to be in Georgia with a new start and a new year.